The Christian Left

There's a Facebook page called "The Christian Left". When I discovered it, I was excited. Finally, something I could embrace. In the seventies I tried hard to turn my back on my religion. But it didn't last when my wife came along, she was a devout, accepting, caring Christian, and while she didn't get me to church every week, she got my head moving in the right direction.

In the nineties I got moving even more into Christianity, as I was moving far to the right politically. But there were things I just couldn't give up. I loved my NPR, much to the chagrin of other conservatives. And while I was pro-life, I couldn't bring myself to say there wasn't a time and place where abortions were appropriate. And I felt it hypocritical to be pro-life, yet support the death penalty. I mean, come on! What are people thinking? But I still didn't quite have a handle on acceptance, and true compassion. One small thing really changed me. I was used to people trying to take advantage of me as a store owner - stealing, asking for discounts, wanting money, etc. One night a young man came into my store, humble, introduced himself, and said he, his wife, and children were heading through town, had some problems, and needed money to get where they were going. They saw my shop, and he told me his parents had a similar shop. He said they were in a bad way, and asked if I could help his family. I turned him away. I told my wife about it, she got tears in her eyes, and asked how I could just turn them away. I got in my truck and drove around looking for them, but they had disappeared into the night. To this day I regret not helping that young family, and I'm tearing up now just thinking about it.

In the early 2000's my late son convinced me to take him to a large Christian music festival, the Cornerstone Festival. This son was an incredible person, he made Christianity cool. I learned by example from him, and he also helped shape my faith. I don't claim to be a good Christian at all, but if I can be a fraction of what Ryan was in that regard, I'd be there.

Back to the original topic, the Christian Left facebook page would be great, but it's not any different from the Christian right. There is little constructive, little motivational, and little faith being shared. It's mainly a place for like minds to hang out and feel superior. They are not tolerant, and will delete someone if they catch a whiff of dissent. It's time I stir the pot a little, and get myself banned. I'm an old hippie at heart.

Going back to the Cornerstone Music Festival my late son introduced us to, I heard a band there in maybe 2003 that blew me away. The greatest live band I've ever seen. Even today, after seeing them half dozen times, they still blow me away. If you EVER have a chance, experience this band. In honor of my efforts to continue moving in the right direction...

Ex Weezer Bassist Found Dead

Ex Weezer Bassist Found Dead

I just saw this, it happened yesterday, so I may be a little late to this story.

My late son introduced me to Weezer. At the time he listened mainly to hard core music, but he had incredible musical taste. One of his favorite bands was Sublime, and after hearing them through him, they're one of my favorites now. But back to Weezer, it's hard to express a lot of admiration for a band with a hit called "Hash Pipe" when you have teenage boys. But it all worked out, I liked the band anyway, and he stayed strong through most of those years.

But check out the article, how difficult would that be, having to leave a mega-band and earn a living painting. I assume when they say painting, they don't mean like an artist. I can only guess on the underlying problems, but it doesn't really matter now. Sad.

Today's Mental Health

Our family has a lot of experience with mental health issues. Bipolar disorder, or more specifically, behaviors that are the symptom of the disorder, killed a son 3 years ago. My late son's girlfriend came over today to wish my youngest daughter happy birthday. She told us of her plans to become a mental health nurse. Since Ryan died it has taken her 3 years so far to get her life moving in a positive direction, and hearing her say that brought tears to my eyes. Because I know, more than anyone else, she gets it. Gets what?

Mental illness is not curable.

Situational issues probably can be cured, for example, I think PTSD might go away over time. But those born with Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other mood or brain disorders are going to have those disorders forever.

She understands that modern psychiatric medicine is, at best, like throwing darts. And the best you can expect from a medication is that it will make life more pleasant for those around the sufferer, and help them fit into a society that doesn't really want to understand. And of course, with luck, it will keep them alive. But that medication exacts a significant toll, more on that another time.

The world will be a better place when there are more mental health workers that understand mental health treatment should be based on compassion, and helping to preserve and cultivate the gifts that are often the result of a mental illness.

Bipolar Hope?

I was reading the blog I wrote chronicling the raising of my late son, who suffered from Bipolar Disorder. I started the blog in 2003 when my son was 19, and just graduated from high school. I maintained the blog until he died in 2008. But I read the early entries, and was reminded of the hope we had that each med would be his saving grace. Every parent goes through this, hoping that the med their child is on will ease their pain, and help them move towards normalcy. Usually, it doesn't work. It's all so futile, the doctors don't know what or how to prescribe, it's kind of like throwing a dart. And the meds often screw people up worse than the disorder. For anyone in this scenario I'd like to offer hope, but I really can't.

A Ryan Dream

Ryan is a son we lost a year ago, he was 24. He died of a freak accident in our home. Without a long explanation (yet), his bipolar disorder killed him, as it does so many of the people who have it. I'll write about that regularly going forward.

I had a dream about Ryan last night.

I went to visit him, he was in some sort of group rehab or residential program. The place was in a bad, old, near-downtown neighborhood. I could picture the door of the building perfectly, it was a familiar place. But when I got there, there were 2 scary people walking up the street towards me, and suddenly the doors didn’t look the same, and I wasn’t sure which was the right door.

I walked in the closest door and it took me to an area outside an empty, dark, church sanctuary. To my right I could see a room full of people, all concentrating on something at the front of the room that I couldn’t see. I saw Ryan sitting in there, just his profile from the shoulders up. A man walked up to me and asked if he could help me. I told him I was there to see my son, and he looked concerned. He said something like he didn’t think that would be a good idea. I persisted, and he got more firm. I saw Ryan looking our direction. About then, the people in the room got up and started walking by. I expected to see Ryan walk by, but he wasn’t there, I thought he was avoiding me. This didn’t surprise me, there was a lot of avoidance in our relationship.

I gave up, and asked the person if the door next to me would take me outside. He said it would, and I walked outside. As I walked out the guy said to me “I wish I could believe you, I really do.” Once outside, I was suddenly scared again, and I heard a voice telling me to run. I ran the half block to the car, stepping over a low picket fence, and got my slacks caught in the fence. I reached the car, and woke up.

What stuck with me was the fear more than anything. There are so many ways I could interpret this dream I’m not even going to try. My wife Karen said simply “oh honey, you have so much more grieving to do.” I suppose she’s right.