Smoking

The last few weeks have been difficult.  The stress from work, combined with a new med I'm trying to get used to, have pushed me over the edge.

I wrote earlier about the med, it's Gabapentin, and it works on the central nervous system.  My pdoc told me to take it at night, thinking it might help me get a better night sleep.  But I've been waking up terribly impaired.  Driving to work felt like I was driving after 8 beers.  I'm lucky not to have clipped someone.  So after a couple weeks, last night I stopped the nighttime gaba.  I only got 3.5 hours sleep, but felt great this morning.  No more gaba at night.

But - last week I bought a pack of cigarettes.  My first since 1989.  I was climbing walls, and caved to the crave.  Since quitting, I've missed  cigarettes non-stop.  I lit that first smoke last week and it was heaven.  Since then I've smoked 3 or 4 a day, and loved every single puff of every one.  My hands have been shaking because of my psych meds, but after a cigarette I'm steady as a rock.  There's a reason for the high number of smokers among people with mental health issues, it's powerful medicine.  I hope this doesn't become a habit, but I sure love it right now.